We’ve all had those moments when our child is melting down, refusing to listen, or acting out in a way that appears completely irrational. In these times, it’s tempting to jump straight into trying to fix their behaviour, and help them understand how to fix the problem. But what if we’re approaching things in the wrong order?
Dr. Bruce Perry, an American child psychiatrist and researcher, offers a powerful framework for understanding and responding to children’s distress. It’s called “Regulate, Relate, Reason”, and it flips the usual parenting script. Instead of starting with logic, we begin with connection. Keep reading to learn about how you can use this at home to help support your child through difficult moments.
Where Does “Relate, Relate, Reason” Come From?
This concept stems from Dr. Perry’s Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics (NMT), an approach he developed through decades of work with children who have experienced trauma. Using his research and core principles of neurodevelopment, we can better understand the brain and our children. It helps to understand our brains and its development – the most basic survival functions occur in the lower brain (brainstem), then emotional regulation is based in the midbrain (limbic system), and finally to higher reasoning occurs in the cortex (the “thinking” part of the brain).
The idea behind “Relate, Relate, Reason” is that when a child is dysregulated, their brain is not functioning from the cortex. Trying to reason with a child in that moment is like trying to have a conversation with someone underwater. They simply can’t hear you.
Who Is This Approach For?
While this model was originally developed for children who have experienced trauma, the principles apply to all children (and even adults!). Every child has moments when big emotions hijack their ability to think clearly—whether it’s a toddler’s tantrum or a teen’s shut-down silence.
“Relate, Relate, Reason” offers a brain-based, compassionate strategy for helping children return to a state where they can hear us, learn from us, and grow.
1. REGULATE – Calm the Body First
When a child is upset, their brain goes into survival mode – our psychological stress response
of fight, flight, or freeze. They can’t listen or learn until they feel safe and calm.
In this moment, you can:
- Use a calm voice and slow movements.
- Offer a hug, rocking, or deep breaths – find what strategies work for your child.
- Reduce noise, lights, and distractions as possible.
- Ensure you are staying regulated yourself
Remember: Before their brain can think, their body needs to feel safe.
2. RELATE – Connect Emotionally
Once your child starts to calm down, the next step is to build a connection. This helps them
feel seen, understood, and supported, while further regulating their nervous system.
As part of this step, you can:
- Get down to their level.
- Stay present without rushing to fix the problem.
- You can validate their feelings without validating their behaviour.
- Show empathy by noticing and naming their emotion – e.g. “I can see you are…”
Remember: Connection builds trust—and trust opens the door to communication.
3. REASON – Talk and Problem Solve
Once your child is calm and connected, you can talk about what happened or teach new skills.
This can involve:
- Work to understand your child’s side of the story, and then share your side.
- Help your child lead problem solving by giving them information and guiding them
- towards meaningful solutions (while remaining age-appropriate)
- Find other opportunities throughout the day to help your child learn the skills needed to
- get through this event in the future
Remember: A calm brain can learn; an upset brain just reacts.
This approach isn’t about being perfect. It’s about slowing down, tuning in, and recognizing that behavior is communication. When we prioritize connection first, we lay the foundation for healing, learning, and stronger relationships – all of which will help your child the next time they encounter a problem.
If you are having continued challenges with understanding your child’s emotional regulation and how to support them, an Occupational Therapist can assist in understanding your child and developing individualised strategies that work for you and your family.
SIENNA SMILEY
Occupational Therapist.
