How often have you asked-
- “Do you need to go?”
- “Have you done a wee/poo?”
- “Do you need to get changed?”
- “Could you go and change your clothes?”
and get the answer “NO!” from your child? Yep – it’s common.
Sometimes this might be because they don’t want to stop and interrupt play, but it is very common for children experiencing anxiety, embarrassment or frustration with toileting.
Other ways of ‘asking’ or commenting
- Rather than asking a direct question, it may work better to make an observational comment e.g. “it looks like…”
- Let the child know you are part of their team by using words like ‘we’, ‘let’s’ etc. For example, “Let’s go check if a poo is ready to come out” or “We can go and see if some wee came out in your undies”.
- Try not to use phrases like “you had an accident”. You could try instead “your bladder let some wee out” or “your poo came out when you didn’t want it to”.
- This approach reinforces that it is part of their body being tricky, not them as a person.
EXAMPLES:
Collaborative & Gentle Prompts
- “Let’s go check if you need a fresh change, just in case.”
- “I can come with you if you want.”
- “I wonder if any poo has come out – let’s go check”
- “Let’s make sure you’re bottom is comfy so your body can keep learning/playing.”
- “Do you feel okay now, or do you want a little check-in together?
Encouraging Self-Awareness and Autonomy
- “You noticed something was happening – that is great listening to your body!”
- “That funny feeling in your tummy/bottom might be your body trying to talk to you.”
- “You’re getting really good at noticing when something feels different inside.”
- “It looks like your body is trying to tell your brain that it needs to wee”
- “I noticed that last time your body did a dance, a poo came just after”
Reinforcing Routine Without Pressure
- “Sometimes your body needs help remembering when it’s time to go.”
- “We can help teach your body to feel OK sitting on the toilet so it will learn to be able to get poos out”
- “We can try a toilet visit just to check – it’s OK nothing comes out!!”
- “Even if your body isn’t ready right now, it’s great that you’re teaching your body how to do it.”
Normalising Body Function and Building Emotional Safety
- “Our bodies sometimes surprise us. It’s okay, we’ll sort it out together.”
- “Everyone’s body works in its own way, and yours is still learning.”
- “Oops, that happens sometimes. Thanks for letting me know.”
- “It’s not a problem – your body is still learning.”
- “You’re doing a great job learning to listen to your body.”
Affirming Emotional Support
- “You can always come to me if something feels funny.”
- “I’ll help you no matter what. That’s what grown-ups are here for.”
- “Thanks for being so brave to tell me.”
Tips for Adults:
- Always speak privately if possible.
- Use a warm, non-judgemental tone.
- Celebrate effort, not just success.
- Normalise learning and accidents as part of growing.
Let’s help children build confidence and self-awareness, one gentle comment at a time.
ANNETTE COLLINS
Occupational Therapist.
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