When your child is experiencing big emotions, it is easy to focus on their needs, their strategies, and their progress. But one of the most powerful (and often overlooked) tools in supporting your child’s development is your own self-regulation.
Children don’t just learn from what we say, they learn from what we do, how we respond, and the emotional tone we bring into moments of challenge. By building your own awareness and regulation skills, you create a calmer environment where your child learns that big emotions are manageable.
Why This Matters
When parents regulate themselves:
- Children feel safer and more understood.
- Emotional outbursts often reduce in intensity and duration.
- The child learns effective ways to regulate their emotions from parent modelling.
- The parent-child relationship strengthens.
You are not expected to be perfect. In fact, showing your child how you repair by apologising after a tough moment is just as valuable as staying calm in the first place.
Noticing Your “Shark Music”
“Shark music” is a term from the Circle of Security approach that describes the internal alarm system that can get triggered in parenting moments. It’s the thoughts, feelings, and reactions that show up quickly, often without us realising.
When shark music is loud, it can:
- Make you react quickly rather than respond calmly
- Shift your focus from connection → control
- Make it harder to stay present with your child
You might notice yourself:
- Raising your voice
- Feeling impatient or overwhelmed
- Wanting the situation to stop immediately
The goal isn’t to get rid of shark music – it’s to recognise it as a helpful alarm that tells us something needs our attention. When we are able to notice and acknowledge our shark music, this gives us more options for how we respond. You might stop and say to yourself:
- “This is my shark music”
- “Something about this is triggering me”
- “I can slow this down”
That small moment of awareness is powerful as it allows you to acknowledge your own emotional needs and address them with self-regulation strategies such as taking a breath.
See the following video from the Circle of Security about Shark Music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYy4iLtTwxk
Strategies for Self Regulation
Self-regulation doesn’t mean being calm all the time – it means being able to return to calm.
When you stop and recognise the shark music, you create a pause between the feeling and your response. This pause can be a great time to model a calming strategy to help you respond to your child in a way that aligns with your values.
Some simple strategies you can use in the moment may include:
- Pause and breathe – even one slow breath can shift your nervous system
- Grounding – notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear
- Step back physically to reduce input if safe to do so. This may involve letting your child know that you are there for them but need space.
- Lower your voice and slow your pace
- Name your feeling internally (“I’m feeling overwhelmed right now”)
These small shifts help you move from reacting to responding.
If you would like to learn more about supporting your child with their big emotions whilst waiting for Part 2 of this Parent Self-regulation blog, see our blog post about co-regulation.
Natalie Arthy
Occupational Therapist
