Children experience many different emotions each day. Sometimes these feelings can grow very big, very quickly. When this happens, children often need support from a calm adult to help them feel safe and settled again. This is where co-regulation comes in.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is when an adult supports a child to manage their feelings and behaviour through calm, caring interactions.
This might include helping a child understand what they are feeling, showing them ways to cope, and guiding them through strategies until they are able to use them more independently.
What is Emotional Regulation?
Emotional regulation is how our body and brain help us notice our feelings, decide how big they get and for how long, and choose ways to show them. Sometimes this happens without thinking, and sometimes it takes practice.
Our feelings are always changing. At times, emotions can become very intense and our body can feel out of control. When this happens, children might:
- scream
- hide
- hit
- zone out
- cover their ears
Learning ways to regulate emotions safely can help children reflect on how they’re feeling and understand what is happening in their body.
Why is it Important for Adults to Model Self-Regulation?
Carers play an important role in helping children learn how to regulate their emotions.
When children see you pause, regulate your own body (for example by taking deep breaths or using helpful self-talk), and respond in a calm and supportive way, they begin to learn their own ways of regulating emotions that work for their body and brain.
Children are still learning how to cope with big feelings, so they often need an adult to help them co-regulate until these skills develop over time.
Simple Ways to Co-Regulate with Your Child
Some strategies that can support co-regulation include:
- Offering a warm hug or gentle physical comfort (if your child welcomes this)
- Speaking in a calm tone and showing affection
- Anticipating your child’s needs and responding to their cues early
- Taking slow, deep breaths together
- Helping label and validate emotions (e.g. “it looks like you’re feeling frustrated”).
- Adjusting the environment (e.g. reducing noise, dimming lights, or moving to a quieter space)
- Gently redirecting your child’s attention when needed
- Providing clear structure and consistent routines
- Using calm, predictable and consistent consequences
- Creating a calm-down space with supportive tools (such as fidgets, a bean bag, trampoline, or sensory items)
For further ideas, refer to the Regulate, Relate, Reason handout:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RuvuwqCZ4Xk_MNsgxnMdPRa0f2FWg9AH/view?usp=drive_link
How do I validate my child’s emotions?
Validating your child’s emotions means helping them feel seen, heard, and understood, even if their behaviour needs guidance. This supports your child to feel safe and builds their ability to manage big feelings over time.
One helpful approach is “name it to tame it,” which involves calmly labelling what you think your child might be feeling. So instead of saying “it’s okay,” which is a common response, it can sometimes invalidate your child’s feelings. Instead, try acknowledging what they’re experiencing by saying:
- “It looks like you’re feeling frustrated.”
- “I can see you’re really upset right now.”
By naming the emotion, you are helping your child make sense of what is happening in their body and brain.
For further information, you can read “The Whole Brain Child” by Dr Dam Siegel or refer to this video to learn more https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcDLzppD4Jc
Why Co-Regulation Matters
Co-regulation helps children feel safe, supported, and confident. When children have a calm and steady adult alongside them, they are more willing to practise new skills and learn from mistakes.
Over time, as children build their own regulation skills, they gradually need less support and become more independent in managing their emotions.
Learning to regulate emotions takes years to develop, for both children and adults, so it’s okay to take it one step at a time.
Learn More
For further information and support, you may find the following resources helpful:
- Circle of Security – Parenting resources: https://www.circleofsecurityinternational.com/blogs/resources/tagged/parents
- What is Co-Regulation? (Child Mind Institute): https://childmind.org/article/what-is-co-regulation/
- The Power of Co-Regulation (Kelly Mahler): https://www.kelly-mahler.com/resources/blog/the-power-of-co-regulation/
You can also reach out to your Occupational Therapist, or contact Kids That Go for further support.
This information has been adapted from KidLink – Supporting Parents and Carers to Co-Regulate and Co-Regulation From Birth Through Young Adulthood: A Practice Brief.
